Siguro Naman

Siguro tama na ang panay Ingles ko dito,

Kase naman Tagalog talaga ang wika ko.

Siguro tama na ang nalalaman ng mundo,

Tungkol sa lungkot at pighati ng pagmamahal ko noon.

Kaya nakapag isip-isip ako,

Na mas gawing personal ang mga sulat ko.

Kaya sa mga susunod na kabanata dito,

Gagawin ko ng Tagalog o Cebuano.

Siguro naman, kaya ko.

                                                                -Laezee

* Kanang dili jud sayon maghuna-huna kung unsa akong iingon diri, gahalo tanang salita sa akong utok. Kuyaw pero lingaw! Para diay kini sa tanang kasabot ug Tagalog o Bisaya kay ngano man gud sige kog English diri. Mao ni akoang pinaka-unang hisgut mahitungod sa akong ginahuna-huna na dili ko manosebleed inig suwat. Mas maayo na ni na usahay, kung kinsa ray kasabot, kasabot. Kapoy sad English kung naay ginabati na wa sad ka kasabot. Haha! Amping mo tanan kanunay!💚

 

Too Tired

It's almost four years since I chose a man;

Friends to lovers, I thought he was my last.

I can still recall how my smile would show,

The glow I felt inside whenever he messages me all day long.

But, what I realized after those years,

I only felt included but not the real thing.

The real thing of how true love is felt;

Despite distance, but truly a heartfelt.

Days went by and I learned to open up again,

"How are you?" has been the question I always get.

It was fun to talk to a lot of people at the same time,

But equally draining because all of them are only for a meantime.

I cannot deny I'm hoping for someone I can consistently talk,

Someone I can message anytime and won't mind to be disturbed,

Someone who is excited as me to know how our day went,

Someone who reciprocates my love, sweetness and care I gave for the day.

But, I guess people nowadays are just checking what's out there,

Messaging you only when it's convenient for them.

Disappears whenever they wanted and reappears just to keep you hooked,

The reason why it's too risky at the same time to remain open and true.

I cannot deny how much energy I always give,

For me to be protected and to always choose to leave.

As much as I wanted to remain courteous,

But spending too much energy is so luxurious.

I even thought of ghosting some people just to save me,

But my conscience is too clear to do the same what others did to me.

That's why I'm here again writing with some high hopes,

The only way for me to be saved from this crooked dating world.

I know somebody out there is searching for me,

I know somebody is out there who will do everything to put on one knee.

But, where are you? Can you please move a little bit fast?

'Coz I'm too tired of talking about the same stuffs.

-Laezee

 

A Letter to the Future

 

      Of all the drafts I intentionally kept unpublished, I never thought that this will be my returning post after 1 year and 11 months of silence here.

   My write-ups had always been about my past heartaches and how I faced everything in between before I started to heal. I know this may be too much of a cliché and too cringe to read, but I want to start my high hopes with this. To the man that I haven't met yet, to the man who is waiting for me in the future, this is all for you.

Dear Future Husband,

    How are you? How's life had been to you? Me? I'm fine, stumbled a lot of times and got up with my own two feet all the time. Everything has been a rollercoaster ride for me, but still, I always choose to smile having no signs of giving up. But this time I'm too eager to ask you this, "Are you not tired of playing hide and seek with me?" Because me,  I might deny it most of the time, but honestly, I am getting tired as time passes by. I started to get comfortable of still not knowing you, but I also not want to end my high hopes of finding you. 

    If you're wondering why I ended up writing you this, I actually have no plans, at least. But as you know, Pinterest has been my go-to app whenever I feel like I can't do anything right, and a post came out on my wall that gave me an emotional outburst that led me to tears and started asking, "Where are you?"

    You see, I may be a strong woman who handled many things, slayed many dragons ever since. I may always had a happy and positive outlook in life, but I also dream of removing all my armors and be vulnerable with life. I never thought that the pain of agony in waiting would visit me unconsciously, but as I look at my window last night, I need to be back with my reality that I've been crying alone with me.

    Sad right? I guess that is the price I need to pay before knowing you. I'm doing my best to remain soft amidst the strength and courage I gathered every battle. I once told you to take your time in finding me, that I have books that can cover your spot for the meantime, but I guess, truth can never be remain hidden for a long time. I'm dreading not to know you all this time.

     I never thought that words would fill up my head again. Was it you? Intentionally crossing my mind for me to be reminded again? So I decided to hype up myself with the idea of you. I have kept so many stories that I've been longing to tell you, but until when should I keep them? Nonetheless, this is the only way for me to not get lost along the way, I must keep it this way.

    And there, I saw the planner that my father (your future father-in-law so to speak) gave me for this year. You know what, my father always gets me this kind of planner in a local pharmacy using his loyalty points, because he knows that I love their planner, perfect for my writing. Their planner is more of a notebook than a planner, having more notes for you to write on. Just so you know, I am loved and cared by 3 great men before knowing you, my father and my two older brothers. So don't ask me why I raised my standards so high. I am beyond blessed with all the love I received, and they deserve to be respected by the man I'll choose to live with.

    Honestly, I still don't know where to begin. Ashamed to admit, but I already forgot what it feels like when your heart would skip a beat for someone. I've become so comfortable making myself happy all along. I get so overwhelmed sometimes with anyone, I admit, it is too shameful most of the time. That's why I intend to keep my sight only for you, I'll keep you posted in my notebook.

    Just so you know, whenever it feels like my world is whirling around, I always choose to hold a pen and a notebook, and write everything that pops up. Whenever I am upset, don't feel pressured to cheer me up, I tend to write it all most of the time. But if you will offer me your hand, I'll gladly let go of my pen and choose to hold you tight.

     I hope you're always having a great day, but oh, I forgot, I know your days will still be lacking without me in it. I might be not at my best these days, don't worry, I can still manage everything, at least. 

     I'm excited to meet you soon, I hope you too. Thank you for making the future a little less scary for me to think about. I'll do my best to guard my heart with everything I have. See you very soon my love!

 

 Your Future Wife,

   Leizel Zafra💚

 

 

I Know The Author: Divine Healing

I Know The Author: Divine Healing

"We live in a fallen world. Its flaws makes it a realistic world."

It's Lenten Season and the best time of the year to sober up and keep in touch with the parts of ourselves we chose to ignore in order to survive.

Before anything else, have you ever wonder why abstinence is being practiced in the most holy season of the year? Islam have their whole month of fasting, Catholics relived the passion of the Christ and abstain certain food to eat and practice resting, and Christians have other ways of celebrating the sanctity of this season. What is the essence behind abstinence? And why Jesus accepted all the suffering and died for us?

We all know that abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging or doing in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. This pleasurable experience comes in the form of food, hobbies, addiction, and the like that "logically" we use as escape from the troubles of our days. But have you ever wonder why abstinence is very important? Other than acquiring self-discipline, did you find its deeper level of meaning?

As time passes by and as many books have crossed my hands, I found the hidden gift behind practicing abstinence. I found that it is the best way for true healing and recovery. At first, I find it hard to understand and the journey itself is definitely hard, but it is not impossible to know and achieve.

We all live in a fallen world, I accepted that fact ever since I accepted that I am only human and is weak. The fact that we live in a fallen world, our cravings for a whole different kind of world created ways and means to cover up its flaws. Undeniably, being humans, weak in temptations, we usually fall into this kind of traps that locked us up in a false reality we thought the world was.

Different types of addictions started to surface in our society. Overeating, drug addiction, alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholic, compulsive behaviors and the like became part of most human lives. Truth be told, we humans fall into the depths of these stuffs by primarily wanting to ignore and escape the battles we are too afraid to confront. This is where the essence of abstinence comes in, the hidden lesson behind Holy Week.

Deep healing is a very difficult journey in one's life. Facing and confronting old wounds that bring toxic shame within is a battle only for brave hearts and souls can survive. But that does not mean that this is not made for the weak, remember, before we gain our strength we first met our weaknesses and fears.

Abstinence is the only way we can sober up from earthly things we keep on indulging ourselves. Sobriety holds the key of identifying the wounds we need to heal within. It opens us to all the triggers that signals healing because if we sober up, we remove the lenses we put up just to cover up the deep feelings we hide inside.

By shedding off the cover ups we put and installed in us, we get to see a child in front of us. The child who holds many experiences that most of it remained a mystery that no one dared to make any clarity. The child who has been waiting in silence that someone would grab her hands and would stand firm with her as she faces the world she has yet to discover.

Meeting this child was the key to my real healing. Facing the little girl in me was the most dreadful encounter I started with. I may have forgotten most of her memories but I cannot deny that toxic shame was imprinted and became part of her that triggers inner turmoil and had cause my self-battles ever since.

Growing up in a world that teaches you to automatically know what to do instead of learning what to really do, this little girl was made to think and act with what the society dictates, and codependency and religious shame was part of it.

Expressing anger was a sin. Speaking up for yourself with an adult is a taboo even if you've been disrespected. Honoring your parents even if you have been emotionally, psychologically or physically abused because the bible teaches us to honor our parents. These were no foreign to me but the little girl was born not to remain silent, then she was labeled as a bad girl for being true to herself.

As a child, we're looking up to be an adult someday, we can't deny the excitement to be one. But as we undergo the process of unhealthy growth, we obviously do not want to grow anymore, thus, this child usually took over us through coping mechanisms she learned in order to survive.

Facing this little girl caused memories to erupt. Painful memories full of toxic shame she always chose not to accept despite being labeled as devil because she stood firm against them; the bullies she met along the way that made her question why she was born different from them; and the realities she witnessed in opposite of what the adults have said. All I can see in her eyes were full of fears that remained unspoken over time.

Staying connected with my emotions was so hard, having self-awareness was too far from reach. The moment I was triggered by some acts or words I can not remember why, unconsciously it was her that automatically reacts and respond with the hurt. Others may have developed self-isolation, mine was impulsive behavior that always pops up which stayed as a gap between my awareness and true emotions that led me to emotional outbursts and overthinking on every single thing.

I realized I never had a healthy boundaries ever since as a child. I saw her doing her best to please the adults to validate that she is a good girl and not as a devil she thought she was. Codependency started to be nurtured within that made a hard-working but emotionally unavailable man her model of masculinity. No wonder why I was dragged with men like that, worst, narcissists they were. The process of making a connection with the little girl and the adult me is so difficult to articulate, and each step I make, her doubts comes in.

She has been strong by herself for a long time, but I know to myself that she was full of doubts and fears she never got a chance to explore and express. I really wanted to stay connected with her this time, thus, I let her be as a child, the child who longs to be hugged and understand. That was the time I learned how to parent myself, I vowed to her to be the woman she was praying to hold and to be the woman that every child would want to hold. But dealing all emotions was still hard and excruciating draining. Doing my emotions was one of the challenges I faced through time.  

Suppressing major emotions was the most toxic practice I thought was right. The child in me learned that anger is a sin that it is not right to get angry nor express an opposition with an adult because it is a sign of disrespect to elders that led her to question some emotions she felt. But again this is a fallen world, I was exposed to circumstances that these emotions were needed to be felt, but guilt started to emerge. Was it right to feel this emotions? she asked.

I was reminded of the story of The Passion of the Christ. We all know that the story have spoken how Jesus saves us all, by letting Himself died on the cross. But the story has more to share, it opened my eyes that doing our emotions, feeling the deepest feelings of it is our way to new birth, this time with our divine being.

Centuries and decades have already passed, we always relived the Passion of the Christ during Holy Week. We remind ourselves that we were saved through Christ. But are we all truly saved from sin? No, because we are only human, easily tempted by earthly things. But we can save ourselves by having Jesus as our model in our life.

Jesus has suffered the worst adversity this world can offer, from birth to adulthood and up to His death, the world He knew was never on His side. But have we encountered anything from the Bible that told us that Jesus covered up his suffering by doing and thinking other things? Definitely none! Jesus showed to us that He faced and felt all the suffering and emotions He was made to feel. He lived in every moment despite knowing that His death is just right around the corner. He never denied the pain, agony and suffering He was in. He remained true to Himself and to everyone without shaming anyone.

I was awakened that emotions were meant to be felt, that suffering is part of life, and that pain will always be there. Jesus have showed us that being true to ourselves will lead us closer to our creator, and connect with the divine being we were born with. More importantly, Jesus believed and trusted the Holy Spirit that guided Him, He was resurrected. We too will undergo new birth after being connected to our true self, to our inner child by staying true to ourselves and trusting the Holy Spirit that guides us.

Then and there I started to become more honest with myself. I learned how to do my emotions, to just witness and feel it all and not become the emotion. I learned to be kinder and more compassionate to myself as I go deeper to my darkest and painful memories. Most importantly, I learned to maintain healthy boundaries, to give love and care without having attachment and not to become a codependent. 

The journey of healing does not end there, after healing we enter the phase of recovery. This is the time where we get to live the healed us. Recovery does not happen overnight same as healing, because this is the start of practicing new ways, the healthy ones, that we just learned in the process of healing. 

By this time, it is the crucial part that we need to remind and parent ourselves, make Jesus as our role model of recovery, and most especially ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit that we get to fully redeem our true selves after the recovery.

They say we need to forgive in order to move forward and heal, but real forgiveness will never happen if one cannot feel and let go of the emotions that needed to be forgiven. I say, when the child is healed, the adult will appear. 

At this time, I know and I believe, whatever life may throws at you, you can handle it with full of compassion and grace. That is what our true purpose in life, to be the real image and likeness of God, to be the medium of His mercy and grace in this fallen world. Eventually, receive all His blessings He prepared for us.

May you find peace and love in all that you do! Praying that we will do.

 

I Know The Author

"Unspoken conscious choices and contemplation of Laezee."

            

We were meant to live two lives: first, the life we live to learn, and second, the life we live after that. So, which life are you living now?

Life is a solo flight, it is what independent people used to say in common. But when I talked and observed the most alive people, they always say, "Life is meant to be shared." I thought I was living my life right but I was wrong, I was living according to what the world dictates me and not how I was meant to be.

We were meant to find connection, the reason why we are always in search of that "someone" and be together. Even if the most independent person would say they don't need anyone, but at the back of their minds they're hoping to be found by someone. Because we were all connected, disconnected by what we thought how life is, and now longing to be reconnected.

Minding too much the life I wanted to live, blinding my eyes with the fake beauty I thought life should be. It was the moment when I saw myself going with the flow of stress, anxiety, worries, fears and depression; life was no fun at all. I got lost, lost in the crowd of mindless people, walking and becoming one of them. I know it is not right, my soul speaks through conscience that it is not life.

I learned to observe in silence, playing dumb but smart when I talked to people. I thought every thought, weaving every detail in my soul. Witnessing everything around, keeping unspoken notes. My soul is awake, that is what keeps me different from all.

Life is a journey of experience. I witnessed myself resisting to the adverse reaction of pain and it caused me more pain. But when I mustered the courage to face and feel every pinch of it, I learned pain is meant to be felt and not be resisted by lying to myself that I was not breaking.

Everyone is talking how dreading and agonizing breaking is, but none had spoken loudly that breaking is where light comes in. We always tend to focus on one side, why not try looking at the other side?

We live in duality: up and down, dark and light, happy and sad, wounded and healed. That is life. And it is entirely up to us which side we choose to live. And conscious choice comes in. I vow to keep choosing what my soul speaks for me, that's the time I learned not to resist but to live.

My human nature always slaps me with hate, fear, doubts, and insecurities. It keeps my mind from repeating the memories I cannot dare to look back. The reason why I started equipping myself with the valuable mantras that only my soul understands. I always have this conscious self-talk which I weigh on what I should follow.

Memories where meant to be looked back but not to live at. We look back to see how far we have come, we look back to see how strong we have become. And memories are not there to remain as shadows of the past, but they were retained as evidence of growth in every decision we chose.

I learned turning pain into an art, I started writing words that added color to the colors of black and white. I thought writers were born to keep the brokenness alive, but they were born to turn heartbreaks to undying passion of living in art.

It was when greatest masterpiece came to life, it is a reflection of the mastermind's life, leaving legacy for everyone to be inspired. Fueling our soul to burn, burn for passion in living and not passion for boasting.

Life is a battle between ego and divinity. Ego speaks what we thought and feel good for us; divinity is what really meant for us. Ego will tell us everything for us to follow; divinity exposes us to everything that our soul needs to follow. Ego is the enemy of our soul; divinity is our soul's one true nature.

My ego usually speaks to me through my mind, my soul speaks to me through conscience and undeniable signs. I know if it is my ego who speaks for me, for it creates turmoil inside of me. The soul speaks for the realest truth, irritating but not disturbing.

As this present chapter is about to close, I still have so many unspoken contemplation that drives the course of my life as a whole. I really wanted to share them all, however, I need more time to compose it all. Maybe it’ll be the content of my upcoming words. 

 And tomorrow, is the beginning of a new chapter, I trust what is coming because I know the author of my story.

May everyone be living their second life as time waits for no one. Have a life that you deserve while you still have much time. Happy New Year everyone!

                                                                                        - Laezee

His Demon

 

His Demon

I felt the same breeze as last year,

The breeze that striked me with a spear.

It was the same day back then,

But the day will never be again.

My heart was smiling like it won't last;

And what I thought was just a mask.

I was so happy from my family outing,

But he instantly change everything to melancholy.

It was the night when I learned to say No;

To his demands I felt so absurd.

I tried putting a joke on what I felt;

But he took it so seriously, silent treatment was my penalty.

I thought he wanted to keep in touch,

But he showed me I was too much.

I thought he just wanted to hear me talk,

But he reappears with a hefty storm.

I did my best to support his likes and hobbies;

Didn't mind spending my own money.

I guess I was never enough;

For someone who only sees me as a pun.

It was the day I first met this new demon,

I learned to listen to all his sermons.

Everyday was like a battlefield inside of me;

I asked God, "Please come and save me."

But the saving was not that easy;

It brought more pain after facing it.

The world showed me that it was breaking;

I stood firm, smiling like I was ready.

Everyday I fought hard to win every battle;

Everyday it shakes me and gave me a rattle.

I thought I was slaying my own demon,

But I realized, I was facing his untamed demon.

                                                           -Laezee

The Three Beings Inside of Me

 

The Three Beings Inside of Me: 
The Heart, The Mind, and The Soul

CHAPTER 1: The Mind Is Too Strong

                    

                    The Heart was rushing to catch up with the Mind and shouted, "Can you please not be so harsh? And give me more freedom to choose who should I trust?" The Mind looked back and saw it was the Heart who was shouting. Mind stopped, faced Heart and said, "Are you out of yourself again? Have you forgotten who saved you when you drowned us with your blood?" Heart took a deep breath. "It was you, Mind. But, you are not letting me do my job. You're taking over almost everything that I was made to do." Heart, replied. Undaunted, Mind confronted Heart, "Have you forgotten how many times you cut yourself and bleed for people who are not even willing to bleed even a single drop for you? I let you do it over and over again before, but over time your blood was starting to drown me and making it harder to catch up with life. You bled to much to bleed again." 

                The Soul was wandering around and noticed the two having a serious conversation. Soul was standing silently behind them and trying to catch up with what they were talking about. Suddenly, Heart was trying to pierce herself in front of Mind. "And now you want to be rebellious again?" Mind fiercely asked Heart. 

                Heart mustered the courage and frankly told Mind, "I always doubt the sincerity of every act without minding if it was just out of kindness. My vision is always blur that it will only hurt me if I choose to let them enter my realm. I am starting not to care how others would feel if you're the one in-charge of me. It feels like I'm starting to live as if I was not meant to be shared." Then Mind added, "Give me one reason to say yes to your demands." The Heart was tongue tied and doesn't know what answer to give Mind enough to loosen up. Silence covered them and Soul interrupted. "What if there is one brave soul who is willing to bleed more for you than you have bled for others?" Mind was surprised with the question. And Heart started crying thinking no one had ever did it for her.

                                                                                                            -Laezee

 

She Wonders

    Staring at her window, she was excited to write about how true love transcends everything. Like the flowers giving life to her worktable and filled with vibrancy; like the sun shining despite the thick gray clouds surrounding it. Keenly, she opened her notes and held her pen, but as soon as she was about to start writing and expressing her notion, she had nothing in mind but painful stories that were buried deeply in her thoughts. She told herself, "I have no more resentments nor agonies on hold." And suddenly, silence covered her ears. She remarked, "I don't know where to start. I really don't know how it starts." Puzzled, she closed her notes, put down her pen and wondered. "How do true love blossoms?", she said.

-Laezee

 

Where to Begin

Where do I begin?
Where all I thought was magic became tragic.
Where do I begin?
Where all the excitement became panic.

I came across with a lot of men;
Came to know each one of them.
Some tried to capture my heart;
I can't deny, most of them have thrived.

I was caught off guard with some eyes;
I fell madly deeply in love, but it was a trap.
Touched by their thoughtfulness flattery care;
But yeah! They're like that with every woman they've met.

I was intoxicated by what they called love;
But at the end, I always question, "Was it love?"
Fascinated with what they tried to provide;
My God! It was only during at the start.

I met all the butterflies inside of me;

Can't forget all their flattery remarks dropped for me.

They sang me a song which became my favorite music to hear;

Thank God! They never finished singing it all for me.

Some even tried to dance just to make me laugh;

Saying my laughter was the best part.

They didn't know my happiness is not hard to find;

But I thank them for the effort, here's my high five!

I received roses that reflected their feelings;

I forgot to tell, I buy myself flowers every week.

But I always leave the best things for them to discover;

Sadly, they never found what I wanted to be discovered.

I can still remember the feeling like it was meant to be;
Forgetting all his flaws and loved him every inch.
But what was meant to be was not always as it is;
It became meant to be because I let myself believed it was it.

I was lied to, betrayed, left alone and shattered finely inside;
I started thinking what true love really feels like.
I asked myself what am I truly looking in a man;
"I am searching beyond infinity, a love so unconditionally."

But, I still don't know how and when to be sure;
That what I found was the one I've been praying, and is pure.
I still don't know that old feeling they keep telling me;
But maybe, if he's truly the one, he'll lead me where to begin.

                                                                        -Laezee

Who Are You

 Who Are You

My heart is not closing;
It is still open and waiting;
Not just for a tingling feeling;
But a tingling that is sparkling.

My soul keeps asking for a spark;
That only a soulful act can start.
Earthly things are becoming shady and dull;
It needs something beyond our sense of touch.

My mind as well is thinking:
"Where is the other half of my being?"
I hope he is not lost wandering;
But I still believe that he is up for something.

Something I've been waiting to have;
Something I am truly meant to have,
From someone who has been praying for me to have.
Oh Love of my life, who art thou?

                                               -Laezee

No One Is Ever Busy

 

No One Is Ever Busy

Thereafter's Special Chapter

Time is of the essence, it is something you cannot take back once it is given. Giving time is also giving out of energy for something and/or for someone. And time is very important in any relationship this world can have.

But why some people can't give an ample time to the people they love? Was there truly love? Or they just love the idea of having someone who can accompany them when time gets rough? Selfish right?

I've always been a type of person who would rather choose more meaningful moments with the people I love and care about rather than running around in a constant state of mindless busyness. Wherein, I always believe that, "A busy life is not the same as a meaningful one." I always prefer choosing meaningful priorities in life.

How a person spends most of his/her time in a day truly speaks more about what type a person he/she is. I've seen a lot of people who would do anything just to keep themselves being excessively caught up with their lives and forget how to live a life, because I do too became one, which I am practicing to unlearn it. Over time, I always remind myself not to forget the time I need to give to the people I love. 

This time, I always had this thought in mind of how some people in a relationship can keep up with their day without hearing anything from their partners? How can you end up your day without hearing something from the person you love? Is it normal? Of course, NOT.

Some would say it is about knowing what priority number you are. But how can a person not include the person they chose to love in their top priority list? And this time, I came to learn about emotional unavailable men.

Dating emotional unavailable men are some of the worst experiences I had. Constantly prodding to open up but shuts down whenever you want to find out what's happening inside his head. And you will be left facing and dealing the discomfort alone.

Living a day with always having a guess if should I say this or not, is it worth sharing or does he mind knowing this small details I have, has been a day to day unnecessary thoughts running inside my head. Waiting for him to message me first and/or reply to my unread messages. But at the end, I am always left telling myself maybe he's just too busy and exhausted for the day, because I only get his deafening silence not only for a day but for a week. And whenever I get a reply, I only read his words of excessive tiredness that he just wanted to sleep. Unconditionally, I chose to understand it.

And this became an everyday battle inside of me, the battle I know that isn't worth fighting for. You will start to think of your own worth, the whys and what ifs won't stop popping up like popcorns that were heated in a pan. I can't deny the emotional distress it had brought along with.

"Can he not give me time, even for few minutes in a day just to hear him or me?" Has been my everyday concern knowing we're in a long distance relationship that we didn't choose. It is natural to have eagerness to know if he is doing well, how was his day or just to talk about anything just to help each other unload the unnecessary burdens deep within; be the source of comfort and rest for each other.  Despite the circumstances, there's still means of communication that didn't bar us from making each other part of our days thanks to chat apps. However, he didn't do anything for me to be part of his day. Perhaps, I am in his least priority, my existence isn't comforting for him,  maybe, he only needs me for his ego boosting.

You see, knowing what to look for sometimes saves you so much time in waiting before everything will be unfolded on its own time. I hated to be a stalker but I became one just to ease the mind that seeks answers of my whys. And knowing that everything was intentional and not because of the uncontrolled circumstances of the relationship status we're in was too much to consume for the mind to believe the reality I was in. I was lied and betrayed again.

The moment I started seeing myself doing again the things I never wanted to do in the first place. little did I know, I broke myself again with the the thoughts I thought it was. 

Thereafter Chapter II: I Thought It Was will tell everything what the mind wants to end.

-Laezee

The Chaos Inside of Them

 

Life's teachings: The Chaos Inside of Them

Life is indeed a personal journey, one must have to take alone. Every circumstances has their own lessons for us to learn. And one of them is how people treated you, not only for a day but for every single day.

As I met a lot of people along the way, in every activity I made, I get to meet different attitude, character and personality which I was able to comprehend and adjust. And I realized, people will treat you according with how well is their being inside.

What I mean is that, if they are mean, harmful and disrespectful, it will never be about you, NEVER. I truly believe that it is a sign they're not happy with themselves deep within, could be from resentments and unhealed parts of them that they're in denial for long time ago. As a result, they need to perceive something wrong from you and from others in order for them to feel better and pass on the chaos they failed to settled within them. They will try to make illusions inside their head that they're okay and passing on the idea of the wrong with the people who showed them care and understanding and eventually making you the villain of their story. Selfish right? It is the most selfish thing a person can do to be exact. They're the weakest people I ever met.

Why I was able to say that? Because I see myself as an example who have no resentments nor sense of retaliation with people who caused me pain or do me wrong. Never did I disrespect the person who hurt me, and never did I become mean to people who pulled me down. I remain unbothered and focused with my own healing because it is the best thing I need to do and that's who I am. I cannot stop being good just because they treated me wrong. I communicate as much as possible and never let any one be left thinking if something was wrong with them because it would only pass on the resentments which should have been stopped from me. And what happened to them? Ask yourself what you're going through right now, maybe you're not far from becoming like them. Maybe you're one of them, easily bothered with the chaos inside of you. And you'll know what happened to them, it's obviously seen from the naked eye.

And about faith? It will never save a person unless he or she chooses to be saved. How can you be saved if you continue doing the same exact things you wanted to be saved from? God doesn't help people who have no actions of changing themselves in a long term. Blessing will become a temporary thing not a lifelong gift.  It's more like, heal yourself so that you won't push people away that the universe has sent for you. Either way, you choose.

Indeed, life is finding meaning and purpose of your own life. Remain unbothered. Always forgive, not because you tolerate their acts but because your soul deserves peace. Practice this and you will see that the world isn't chaotic after all, it became chaotic from the eyes of the people who aren't at peace with themselves dragging people to see the same. NEVER BE ONE OF THEM. JUST NEVER.

-Laezee

Thereafter (CHAPTER ONE)

THEREAFTER

DISCLAIMER:  The author has no derogatory intentions. All were personal experiences. A Personal journey of Growth, Healing, Moving on.

“I had it all within me and written only for me. And now, I decided to set it free.” -Laezee

Author's note: I decided to write this as a part of forgiving my old self and for all the people who had suffered emotional and psychological manipulation. We all know that it had inflicted us permanent damage, but forgiving ourselves and having the right love, like the sun, our life will always be shining no matter what. It will never make us any less of a person and less worthy of love. "YOU DESERVE EVERY BEST THING YOU EVER WANTED. So, CHOOSE YOURSELF EVERYDAY."

CHAPTER 1: I Knew

I know it was real but also full of lies; loving more than I was actually loved in return. Before, all I had was unhealthy and toxic. It was manipulating; it was brutal. I know I was in love but it was not true love. I didn't really understand it all before.

Flattery remarks were heavily poured unto me by them; pretty face, charming smiles, fair skin, dresses well, coming from a well-off family, well-mannered and having a high degree. They wanted it all from me and not for who I am as a being. It was purely pleasurable contemplation but filled with wheedling.

First. 

It was two years full of lies. I was made to believed and eventually felt cheated with the secrets kept hidden for a long time, but I chose to understand, and made myself to believed that it was love. My doubts started to set in, having second thoughts in every words of love I received.

He was supportive and gave me so much attention I was asking, but I couldn't stop from doubting

Not until, I was left for days being unheard, always choosing his own ways, and kept me like a secret making me feel unworthy to be known.

I know it needs to end. I was starting to be intoxicated with the false love he had given.

Second. 

It was three months full of butterflies and fun. He had a face and charms like a korean star. Undoubtedly, I was bewitched by his looks and cute smiles, but not until reality kicks in; he said I deserve someone better than him. It was my first to understand what was casually dating is. And toxicity had half-filled me.

I thought I already learned, but the worst has yet to come. Little did I know, I have more to learn.

Third.

I talked over to the moon before our paths crossed, thinking after he came that it was 'YOU.'

The moment when late night talks became too often, talking about his pasts, I thought he was too sincere and open. 

I was instantaneously captivated by how he managed everything by himself, slowly I was falling for him.

Thinking it was too good to be true. He shared his plans for the future including me in the picture. However, I was given signs and warnings from the initial phase, but I was too blind to play the fool.

His grandiosity became too obvious, and ours turned out to be superficial and exploitive.

It was narcissistic, tainted with pure hate and shame cloaked in sympathy, charms and enchantments.

Putting everything about him was my first list; he was a priority. 

I even killed my own passion for him not to feel inferior and less worthy of me.

Day by day all I cared was him, but he never asked me how I was feeling.

I tried sharing my pain and dilemmas in life, but all he could say, "You're not like a professional", and it felt I was too immature for him.

I never felt his joy over my achievements, neither had congratulated me nor heard if he was proud of me.

He praises me for having a great family bond, wherein he never felt for it was him and his mother from day one. It made me more eager to make him part of our family but he would always make me join his agony every time I shared whenever we have family outing.

Mockery was his thing, telling me it was only a joke, but why it always hurts me?

He loves to drop curses, which I tried to understand that it was pure anger needed to be released. But why it was on a regular basis?

Silent treatment was always my monthsary gift, being blocked exactly before we could celebrate our beginning. And many times every after I had mood swings. Am I worth disregarding?

Panic attacks started to grew bigger each day that I had to deal it within me, shaking even more during recitations and staring at a blank space that had left me empty.

Endearments were his favorite thing. Charming me with sweet stares and flowery words after threatening to leave.

He was too sweet and understanding every after a fight, but every month it turned out to be gaslighting. Do we always have to fight for me to be treated right?

Everything felt somewhat okay, he sent me gifts all at once. Asking my bestfriend to help him out. But why would he say afterwards, "I never expensed so much for a girl." Do I need to pay it? I thought it was a surprise.

Three months after, I started digging my own grave. A woman he skipped from sharing, turned out to claim that the father of her son was him. Why did he skip her?

Hands trembling, heart was pounding hard, breathing became so difficult and I was drowning.

I was in between my preparations for my quiz that night, my smallest trust left for a man was shattered to the finest dust. I blacked out.

The only thing that came to my mind, "Why conceal such thing when I already asked everything at the moment I was ready to understand and accept him every bit?" Does it felt less worthy to be loved? I thought he was opened and sincere from the very start.

But my overflowing love and understanding came in, I tried to understand the concealment and supported him with every last drop of energy I tried to pull out each day, not for myself but for him.

He said he'd always choose me despite of everything. But why choosing me includes breaking me?

Days turned to weeks and then to months. It felt like all my empathy and my being was starting to become dust.

He would always say he loves me, but why I was breaking whenever he said it?

The silent treatment, mockery and gaslighting continued and became intense.

Being called as someone having a personality disorder was the worst of all the worst that was dropped, like a nuclear bomb that killed every living cell I have.

Flirty facial gestures with other females he cannot deny. Why get angry if I felt uncomfortable with it? Was it wrong to felt it?

Do I really need to be hurting every time he is mad?

Why is it necessary for me to beg and be belittled for him to be happy again?

Ignoring and not minding every single bit of it and replacing it with understanding that pressure and fears he all had in. Is my understanding still not enough? Why kill my inner being? 

Every fight we had, every mock I had, I had written in my emotional support notebook colored red with a quick side note that love is patient and understanding, I need to bear.

I never knew how emotionally battered I was, not until when I started seeing myself as a different person having sleepless nights because of nightmares and panic attacks.

Happiness became so hard to find. My life energy shifts immediately according to his everyday life.

Expressing my innermost needs and desires became so terrifying. I always had a sense of abandonment and shame whenever I am talking. Why does it need to have deflection and defensiveness? Is my day not worthy of knowing?

Mustering the courage to get up each day, burning eyebrows for my career goal, and workloads. I thought he could filled me up but he was draining me down.

Eight months felt like years, my inner self was already drowned and ready to fall into a deep sleep.

My closest friends were ready to end ties with me if I'd choose him.

It was so hard to wake up when your frailty and gullibility was eaten by someone you loved.

All my energy were sucked up and became dependent on him.

But what needs to be ended has to end. I received a mysterious energy that gave me strength to tell him every single word I was longing to say, having no fear of backfire from his mind games he had installed in me.

It happened so fast and I told myself, "There's no turning back."

I got the sorry I always wanted to hear but it felt so empty. He promised to do everything according to my terms and plans, but there's one thing he really can't do. And that's the time I finally knew.

to be continue...

By Yourself

By Yourself

She's been dying inside for so long;

Been waiting for someone to talk.

But no one noticed her,

~and she had another day alone.

-Laezee

In Between Wait or Accept

In Between Wait or Accept

Love came to me --

  unprepared and not ready.

My heart beats for him;

Thinking he is for me.

Patience came in,

 reminded me of waiting.

Then time said to me;

  "You are aging."

Torn between two ideas,

in how to deal with love.

Wait even you aged enough?

Or accept it because you're tough?

-Laezee

Your Everything, My Everything

Your Everything, My Everything

When I really don't know what to say. I'm just speechless.

When I'm so grateful you came into my life. I'm just thankful.

When you shared alot about yourself. I was just amazed.

And when you accepted the real me. I'm already falling.

This is just a simple letter to the person, whom I thought I would never meet, but we met.

Though not personally; virtually we're so connected.

I never thought that you would exist, but you're here.

And I never thought you would be so determined, but your efforts reached me.

I would love to feel and see everything in person;

I want to end all these imaginations.

I want to be the right person whom you've been looking for.

I'll be waiting here in the corner. 

But you're not here and I'm too far;

High seas keep us apart.

Mountains across the border;

Only through dreams we see each other.

But sooner or later we'll truly meet. 

Sooner or later we'll be together. 

Sooner or later forever will be ours. 

And I hope we're both ready if forever is already ours.

I just pray that nothing bad will happen.

We still need to see each other in the end.

I've never told you yet in person,

I've fallen for you;

So think of me too.

I will love you to infinity;

So love me the same way too.

Happy Birthday to the person who captured my heart. ♥

-Laezee