I Know The Author: Divine Healing
"We live in a fallen world. Its flaws makes it a realistic world."
It's Lenten Season and the best time of the year to sober up and keep in touch with the parts of ourselves we chose to ignore in order to survive.
Before anything else, have you ever wonder why abstinence is being practiced in the most holy season of the year? Islam have their whole month of fasting, Catholics relived the passion of the Christ and abstain certain food to eat and practice resting, and Christians have other ways of celebrating the sanctity of this season. What is the essence behind abstinence? And why Jesus accepted all the suffering and died for us?
We all know that abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging or doing in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. This pleasurable experience comes in the form of food, hobbies, addiction, and the like that "logically" we use as escape from the troubles of our days. But have you ever wonder why abstinence is very important? Other than acquiring self-discipline, did you find its deeper level of meaning?
As time passes by and as many books have crossed my hands, I found the hidden gift behind practicing abstinence. I found that it is the best way for true healing and recovery. At first, I find it hard to understand and the journey itself is definitely hard, but it is not impossible to know and achieve.
We all live in a fallen world, I accepted that fact ever since I accepted that I am only human and is weak. The fact that we live in a fallen world, our cravings for a whole different kind of world created ways and means to cover up its flaws. Undeniably, being humans, weak in temptations, we usually fall into this kind of traps that locked us up in a false reality we thought the world was.
Different types of addictions started to surface in our society. Overeating, drug addiction, alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholic, compulsive behaviors and the like became part of most human lives. Truth be told, we humans fall into the depths of these stuffs by primarily wanting to ignore and escape the battles we are too afraid to confront. This is where the essence of abstinence comes in, the hidden lesson behind Holy Week.
Deep healing is a very difficult journey in one's life. Facing and confronting old wounds that bring toxic shame within is a battle only for brave hearts and souls can survive. But that does not mean that this is not made for the weak, remember, before we gain our strength we first met our weaknesses and fears.
Abstinence is the only way we can sober up from earthly things we keep on indulging ourselves. Sobriety holds the key of identifying the wounds we need to heal within. It opens us to all the triggers that signals healing because if we sober up, we remove the lenses we put up just to cover up the deep feelings we hide inside.
By shedding off the cover ups we put and installed in us, we get to see a child in front of us. The child who holds many experiences that most of it remained a mystery that no one dared to make any clarity. The child who has been waiting in silence that someone would grab her hands and would stand firm with her as she faces the world she has yet to discover.
Meeting this child was the key to my real healing. Facing the little girl in me was the most dreadful encounter I started with. I may have forgotten most of her memories but I cannot deny that toxic shame was imprinted and became part of her that triggers inner turmoil and had cause my self-battles ever since.
Growing up in a world that teaches you to automatically know what to do instead of learning what to really do, this little girl was made to think and act with what the society dictates, and codependency and religious shame was part of it.
Expressing anger was a sin. Speaking up for yourself with an adult is a taboo even if you've been disrespected. Honoring your parents even if you have been emotionally, psychologically or physically abused because the bible teaches us to honor our parents. These were no foreign to me but the little girl was born not to remain silent, then she was labeled as a bad girl for being true to herself.
As a child, we're looking up to be an adult someday, we can't deny the excitement to be one. But as we undergo the process of unhealthy growth, we obviously do not want to grow anymore, thus, this child usually took over us through coping mechanisms she learned in order to survive.
Facing this little girl caused memories to erupt. Painful memories full of toxic shame she always chose not to accept despite being labeled as devil because she stood firm against them; the bullies she met along the way that made her question why she was born different from them; and the realities she witnessed in opposite of what the adults have said. All I can see in her eyes were full of fears that remained unspoken over time.
Staying connected with my emotions was so hard, having self-awareness was too far from reach. The moment I was triggered by some acts or words I can not remember why, unconsciously it was her that automatically reacts and respond with the hurt. Others may have developed self-isolation, mine was impulsive behavior that always pops up which stayed as a gap between my awareness and true emotions that led me to emotional outbursts and overthinking on every single thing.
I realized I never had a healthy boundaries ever since as a child. I saw her doing her best to please the adults to validate that she is a good girl and not as a devil she thought she was. Codependency started to be nurtured within that made a hard-working but emotionally unavailable man her model of masculinity. No wonder why I was dragged with men like that, worst, narcissists they were. The process of making a connection with the little girl and the adult me is so difficult to articulate, and each step I make, her doubts comes in.
She has been strong by herself for a long time, but I know to myself that she was full of doubts and fears she never got a chance to explore and express. I really wanted to stay connected with her this time, thus, I let her be as a child, the child who longs to be hugged and understand. That was the time I learned how to parent myself, I vowed to her to be the woman she was praying to hold and to be the woman that every child would want to hold. But dealing all emotions was still hard and excruciating draining. Doing my emotions was one of the challenges I faced through time.
Suppressing major emotions was the most toxic practice I thought was right. The child in me learned that anger is a sin that it is not right to get angry nor express an opposition with an adult because it is a sign of disrespect to elders that led her to question some emotions she felt. But again this is a fallen world, I was exposed to circumstances that these emotions were needed to be felt, but guilt started to emerge. Was it right to feel this emotions? she asked.
I was reminded of the story of The Passion of the Christ. We all know that the story have spoken how Jesus saves us all, by letting Himself died on the cross. But the story has more to share, it opened my eyes that doing our emotions, feeling the deepest feelings of it is our way to new birth, this time with our divine being.
Centuries and decades have already passed, we always relived the Passion of the Christ during Holy Week. We remind ourselves that we were saved through Christ. But are we all truly saved from sin? No, because we are only human, easily tempted by earthly things. But we can save ourselves by having Jesus as our model in our life.
Jesus has suffered the worst adversity this world can offer, from birth to adulthood and up to His death, the world He knew was never on His side. But have we encountered anything from the Bible that told us that Jesus covered up his suffering by doing and thinking other things? Definitely none! Jesus showed to us that He faced and felt all the suffering and emotions He was made to feel. He lived in every moment despite knowing that His death is just right around the corner. He never denied the pain, agony and suffering He was in. He remained true to Himself and to everyone without shaming anyone.
I was awakened that emotions were meant to be felt, that suffering is part of life, and that pain will always be there. Jesus have showed us that being true to ourselves will lead us closer to our creator, and connect with the divine being we were born with. More importantly, Jesus believed and trusted the Holy Spirit that guided Him, He was resurrected. We too will undergo new birth after being connected to our true self, to our inner child by staying true to ourselves and trusting the Holy Spirit that guides us.
Then and there I started to become more honest with myself. I learned how to do my emotions, to just witness and feel it all and not become the emotion. I learned to be kinder and more compassionate to myself as I go deeper to my darkest and painful memories. Most importantly, I learned to maintain healthy boundaries, to give love and care without having attachment and not to become a codependent.
The journey of healing does not end there, after healing we enter the phase of recovery. This is the time where we get to live the healed us. Recovery does not happen overnight same as healing, because this is the start of practicing new ways, the healthy ones, that we just learned in the process of healing.
By this time, it is the crucial part that we need to remind and parent ourselves, make Jesus as our role model of recovery, and most especially ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit that we get to fully redeem our true selves after the recovery.
They say we need to forgive in order to move forward and heal, but real forgiveness will never happen if one cannot feel and let go of the emotions that needed to be forgiven. I say, when the child is healed, the adult will appear.
At this time, I know and I believe, whatever life may throws at you, you can handle it with full of compassion and grace. That is what our true purpose in life, to be the real image and likeness of God, to be the medium of His mercy and grace in this fallen world. Eventually, receive all His blessings He prepared for us.
May you find peace and love in all that you do! Praying that we will do.
