THEREAFTER
DISCLAIMER: The author has no derogatory intentions. All were personal experiences. A Personal journey of Growth, Healing, Moving on and receiving True Love.
“You don't hurt the person you love. You just can't.”-Laezee
CHAPTER 2: I Thought It Was
Getting out of a narcissistic relationship was tough; getting past through it is tougher. I thought I already completed the greatest challenge I was made to face in a relationship, but I wasn't. I thought what was next was my greatest love, but I was wrong.
"Flowers will wither, and Time won't always tell who's worthy of you. It is always, it depends."
It was on this same time when the stars aligned, and the cue of the beginning of this chapter. I thought it was an alignment, but it was my random act of kindness on his birthday that made it felt right.
He used to admire me for a very long time, I can no longer remember how and when it started but I was not blind. We met when we shared common hobbies, and instantaneously he joined in the same guild where I was in. He is tall, quiet and shy but outgoing with the people he is close with. He has his own charms and deep eyes that has always something to tell.
I always get his indecisive acts of stepping up his game in which all I could felt was his pure hesitations to pursue me. He wasn't brave enough at that time, for me to think that he was not the right man for me. Knowing he's 2 years younger than me, I always had a doubt to have a relationship with him. I guess, I should have listened to myself back then.
I rejected him many times. Both privately and publicly, expressly and impliedly. But he would tend to make me notice him again, thinking maybe he was too sure of me, and he deserves a chance from me.
We sometimes had small talks; him sending random regards to me, leading to inquiring how was everything with me, and disappearing when he had nothing to talk about. We never had a serious talk about life and everything in between. Little did I know, it was a serious thing to mind about.
His existence really doesn't matter to me, I only see him as a friend and nothing more from it. Not until, he sent me red and white roses on my birthday, undoubtedly, I was surprised by him. It was the day when thoughts came crossing inside my head; maybe he wanted to step up his game.
We started talking again after it, but he disappears again without any word and whys that led me to wondering. It was toxic to looked at, but we weren't even dating that time, the reason why I didn't bother to ask him why. But it was already a sign; I failed to mind again.
Thinking of gratitude from remembering my birthday and sending flowers on that day. I decided to sent a warm greeting on his birthday, on this same time and day. Knowing we're continents apart; having no idea of the time zone where he was at that time, I waited for 12 midnight in my time zone and sent the message to him at exactly when the date was the same as today.
It was pure act of gratitude and kindness which came out after his random thoughtfulness. Having no thoughts that my acts would bloom to something I didn't know it would.
He was able to reply back after few minutes, he was so surprised and didn't expect to receive a warm greeting especially from me. I was watching korean drama at that time, he asked if he could call and see me in real time; I agreed to him.
Coincidentally, few days after, his contract has ended and scheduled to return home. He started updating me and telling me he's on his way home, and he's too excited to see me again after so long.
It was still strict safety health protocols back then, he was subjected to hotel quarantine for about a month before he was able to step his foot to his home. I was there virtually during his quarantine period. He would most of the time call me whenever I am free. He asks me to send him an update and selfies of my day. He never failed to react on each photos I was able to sent. I can always sense his happiness in every talk we had, because all messages he was sending was filled with hearts and happy emojis that was funny, at least on my part. I didn't react nor gave comment about it. I didn't mind it.
I sent him fruits, vitamins and healthy snacks in the hotel where he was quarantined in the city. With cute notes and messages for every thing I brought for him. I knew, I was too kind to him.
Time flew so fast, and we finally meet again. We ate at a famous korean restaurant with our close common friend. It was surely fun that day, I was able to bring them to our office because my boss suddenly called me up. We even had a small tour inside the city, because my mother was requesting me to buy her something.
But happiness isn't a permanent thing. Time comes and life kicks in. Our communication was still there, but a glimpse of real life starting to set in.
I started to experience his shutting down phase, he disappears whenever we talked about serious matters, especially when I'm opening up my vulnerabilities and fears. His deafening silence was his answers, but I still tried my best for him to meet me halfway and understand him every bit.
I may not be seen as someone who is struggling to get a life, but I am not blind with the situation he was in nor everything around me. And I was ready to accept him as it is. However, ego is truly the enemy. He may not be able to say it to me, but I know he was starting to be emasculated by my mere existence, perhaps, even knowing the world I was in.
Our time was somewhat okay. I can talk to him whenever I wanted to. He loves to crack jokes and hearing out my loud laughs that was only with him. But his poor communication always gave me doubts, thinking he kept too many secrets hidden from me. I continued and did not mind it.
My parents already knew about him from the flowers he sent to me, but he never made time nor grab a chance to meet them when we're together, for him to prove his worthiness of being part of our family. Moreover, knowing that my father doesn't want the type of career he has. My brother even asked when will he visit our home, but whenever I shared all of these things to him, he has no answers to give me. I chose not to talk about it with him, because if he truly has plans, he could've asked me to help him out. But he didn't. I failed to recognized this.
We went out and eat out, but it was always me who asked permissions from my parents to allow me to go out. Never did he ask my parents if they could let me meet him for a day, never did he muster the courage to prove his worth to them.
I even drove him around the city and even introduced him to my bestfriend. I let him experienced a day with me; how I manage all my errands and work in a day, thinking his mere existence was the support I was looking and was enough. But it was not I deserve from the beginning.
Days were starting to count, his schedule to return to work became final. We decided to see each other for the last time, it was even during my nephew's birthday celebration; I decided to sneak out.
Signs never failed to come out. We were inside my car and asked him to check his messenger to see if my message will pop up. When he opened his inbox, I saw a new message coming from a female person I still can't forget the name, asking how's with him having an endearment at the end.
I was surprised to see it with my very own eyes, left me speechless that time. He immediately deleted the conversation and kept telling me it was from his past. Everything was blank for me, my emotional traumas were coming in; my hands started shaking.
But I did my best to be rational, and listened to his explanations that what I saw was wrong. He said he stopped communicating with her but he couldn't remember when he stopped doing so. I asked him about that girl, it sure felt uncomfortable for me that I was starting to compare my authenticity with someone I barely know.
In the end, I chose him. Believing his words that what he could guarantee to give me is peace of mind. He said it without hesitations, and I started holding unto it.
That day ended with pure butterflies and magnificent insanity. It was the day I decided to let him hold my heart, for him to have my warmest love even we're continents apart despite the happening. I gave him a religious artifact that I kept for so long together with a magnetic couple bracelet and a handwritten note of praying for his safe travels and that he will be in safety until he comes home. Little did I know, a real nightmare was starting to begin.
First months of his voyage was fine. He calls one to two times a day. He makes sure I was heard for a day, always excited to hear every stories I have to share, sending hearts in every selfie I reserved for him to solely have. But, one day he started bragging about choosing me over his family to call in a day. It felt feigned after hearing it.
Truly, consistency is too rare these days, especially if a person is starting to have so many thoughts inside his head. It was the time I was reminded how rare I am today. He never met how consistent my mind works despite all the challenges and stressors I was called for.
The poor communication I took risk to compromise for him became the root cause of everything. Healthy communication and accountability was too hard for him to meet. It kept me prodding unto him to open up, but he would only reply with few words, failing to gave me the simplest answers I was waiting to have.
I sent him my self-composed poems showing how blossoming my heart when with him. But he would only say thank you, with a heart and a kiss, superficially showing his appreciation and love.
He started not to talk to me for days, but I could still see him active and interacting with other people he didn't know I knew. I felt ignored and disregarded every time I saw it. I couldn't helped but felt an immense disrespect despite the space and support I gave to him.
Doubts grew bigger each day, I always tried to reach out and ask if he could help me settle the disturbance inside of me. But he always failed to recognize that he was the source of it.
I started stalking him and searching his name just to ease my curiosity. But every time I do all those things, my unsettled distress grew bigger and I can no longer take it. How can it be settled when all I could see was all his reacts in every pretty and famous girls I didn't even recognize. He even gained each day additional following accounts through adding up people with his account; most of it were famous, pretty, and sexy girls, I don't know where he found. Still, he didn't know I knew all these stuffs. I chose to play blind.
I came across a long and deep quote about love in which it was him that first crossed my mind, so I sent it to him after seeing myself smiling after reading it. But he has no reactions after seeing it. I asked him what was his reaction after reading it, he said he didn't understand it. I guess, he doesn't know how to love me.
I continue living each day as if we have no issues to talked to. Playing safe and turning blind eyes in every serious talk I've always wanted to have.
I was preparing for my bar exams those time, wherein, I always chose not to mind unnecessary thoughts that kept crossing my mind. Undeniably, I ran out of focus each time.
When his replies became one to two sentences after how many days, my gut feelings were starting to send me feelings too familiar for me to chase. The same uneasy feelings I felt before that I was hoping not to get involved, but it was too real that even my senses couldn't deny it all.
He always asked me to help him with his online game in which I didn't hesitate to do. I always make sure his sanity and happy hormones are on a level to keep him going for the day. And somewhat would lessen his exhaustion to have enough energy to keep him up because he would always say that he was too tired and exhausted every day.
I always kept in mind to check his status each day, forgetting I have my own battles and bigger struggles that's on its way.
I tried sharing my sudden anxiety with the upcoming bar exams, but his support didn't add up to the energy I was missing out. I know it was not sincere, that's why.
Each day I did my best to be my own sunshine; my own sword in every fight inside, without forgetting to remind him as well, that each day is a new day to rise again.
But all I could felt was his audacity. He continued his silence which made me wonder how he can keep up each day without hearing any word from me. I would only thought he was too exhausted that he could only chose too few people to talk to, his family, that is. And watch funny videos and games to calm his brain. However, I'm still not settled with my own excuses for his absence. My mind was not blind when I saw that he still interacts with people; It felt suspicious and unfair over time.
The confusion inside of me kept me off track. I always lack the energy and excitement to read and write. I've been asking and searching for clarity. He said, he could give me peace of mind if I fall for him. But where was it? I stopped asking for it.
Fate comes in and it was on my side, I remember getting back with the curiosity with one social media app. It was the time every thing became clear to me. My eyes saw again the things I wasn't expecting to see. I witnessed his insincerity, and I witnessed enough of it.
Right then and there I decided that this needs to end. I was being blinded and struck with pain through silence while he's enjoying his own phase.
What I saw never ended there, I even came to know and saw with my own eyes that he kept hiding most of his posts from me, long before he started deleting our happy couple pics. Audaciously shameless, he was too busy playing games and watching famewhore girls while I was dreading. I was truly a joke for him.
The audacity and disrespect was too overwhelming, I really wanted to burst out of anger but I know he doesn't deserve any energy from me and it would only be a punishment for me. Despite all the kindness and goodness I did to him, it was all he could give to me; insincerity, poor communication and dishonesty. I know I really don't deserve any of it.
I know there's no point of talking it all out, he replied to my last message that signals a closure in my part. But his reply were self-serving, self-effacing yet egocentric that he wanted me to curse and blame him for hurting me. Pathetically, a lowkey sad boy acting up as a mature man, that's who he is.
Before this chapter will have its end, I remember writing an open letter for him thinking that he was the one for me. I published it before here and unpublished, but now I decided to include it here.
"To that Someone...
~who waited 7 years to be noticed;
~whose timing before would always failed to meet me;
~who was rejected many times;
~who I only looked as a friend;
~who remembers even the smallest things;
~who I never knew would grow to a man I didn't know he would;
~who I never imagined to be his;
And,
~who I promised myself not to date with.
Truly, coincidence is God's way of remaining to be anonymous. Or maybe the timing is already yours.
I know you've always been waiting to be looked as someone you wanted me to see you. I never knew your persistence and patience before, not until they reached me.
I never knew you would come this far, the time I never imagined would come.
Before you, I loved and would always choose the man I love. But after them, I realized why it never worked out with them, it was your sincere affection that has always been there, drawing me near towards you.
We might have so many things to learn about each other along the way. But I am always grateful to you,
for being true;
for being honest;
for always getting extra mile; and
for effortfully managing everything just to meet mine.
I never knew I would write something about you. And never in my wildest dreams to catch a feeling for you. But one thing is for sure, every time our eyes would meet before, I always have a familiarity feeling that I am in denial for long time ago. Little did I know, it was you all along.
AND it might be a long road ahead of us, full of uncertainties and fears, BUT the heart knows when the search is over.
Certainly, I wasn't even looking when I found you.
To my dearest someone, THANK YOU.💓"
I know, I wrote the open letter with full of love and blinded with love. And I hope it will remind him that once in his life, that one love he will search in his lifetime was once he had.
Certainly now, on the same time when it cued how it all began, I am freeing myself with the thoughts I thought it was.
to be continue...
-Laezee
