I Know The Author

"Unspoken conscious choices and contemplation of Laezee."

            

We were meant to live two lives: first, the life we live to learn, and second, the life we live after that. So, which life are you living now?

Life is a solo flight, it is what independent people used to say in common. But when I talked and observed the most alive people, they always say, "Life is meant to be shared." I thought I was living my life right but I was wrong, I was living according to what the world dictates me and not how I was meant to be.

We were meant to find connection, the reason why we are always in search of that "someone" and be together. Even if the most independent person would say they don't need anyone, but at the back of their minds they're hoping to be found by someone. Because we were all connected, disconnected by what we thought how life is, and now longing to be reconnected.

Minding too much the life I wanted to live, blinding my eyes with the fake beauty I thought life should be. It was the moment when I saw myself going with the flow of stress, anxiety, worries, fears and depression; life was no fun at all. I got lost, lost in the crowd of mindless people, walking and becoming one of them. I know it is not right, my soul speaks through conscience that it is not life.

I learned to observe in silence, playing dumb but smart when I talked to people. I thought every thought, weaving every detail in my soul. Witnessing everything around, keeping unspoken notes. My soul is awake, that is what keeps me different from all.

Life is a journey of experience. I witnessed myself resisting to the adverse reaction of pain and it caused me more pain. But when I mustered the courage to face and feel every pinch of it, I learned pain is meant to be felt and not be resisted by lying to myself that I was not breaking.

Everyone is talking how dreading and agonizing breaking is, but none had spoken loudly that breaking is where light comes in. We always tend to focus on one side, why not try looking at the other side?

We live in duality: up and down, dark and light, happy and sad, wounded and healed. That is life. And it is entirely up to us which side we choose to live. And conscious choice comes in. I vow to keep choosing what my soul speaks for me, that's the time I learned not to resist but to live.

My human nature always slaps me with hate, fear, doubts, and insecurities. It keeps my mind from repeating the memories I cannot dare to look back. The reason why I started equipping myself with the valuable mantras that only my soul understands. I always have this conscious self-talk which I weigh on what I should follow.

Memories where meant to be looked back but not to live at. We look back to see how far we have come, we look back to see how strong we have become. And memories are not there to remain as shadows of the past, but they were retained as evidence of growth in every decision we chose.

I learned turning pain into an art, I started writing words that added color to the colors of black and white. I thought writers were born to keep the brokenness alive, but they were born to turn heartbreaks to undying passion of living in art.

It was when greatest masterpiece came to life, it is a reflection of the mastermind's life, leaving legacy for everyone to be inspired. Fueling our soul to burn, burn for passion in living and not passion for boasting.

Life is a battle between ego and divinity. Ego speaks what we thought and feel good for us; divinity is what really meant for us. Ego will tell us everything for us to follow; divinity exposes us to everything that our soul needs to follow. Ego is the enemy of our soul; divinity is our soul's one true nature.

My ego usually speaks to me through my mind, my soul speaks to me through conscience and undeniable signs. I know if it is my ego who speaks for me, for it creates turmoil inside of me. The soul speaks for the realest truth, irritating but not disturbing.

As this present chapter is about to close, I still have so many unspoken contemplation that drives the course of my life as a whole. I really wanted to share them all, however, I need more time to compose it all. Maybe it’ll be the content of my upcoming words. 

 And tomorrow, is the beginning of a new chapter, I trust what is coming because I know the author of my story.

May everyone be living their second life as time waits for no one. Have a life that you deserve while you still have much time. Happy New Year everyone!

                                                                                        - Laezee

His Demon

 

His Demon

I felt the same breeze as last year,

The breeze that strike me with a spear.

It was the same day back then,

But the day will never be again.

My heart was smiling like it won't last;

And what I thought was just a mask.

I was so happy from my family outing,

But he instantly change everything to melancholy.

It was the night when I learned to say No;

To his demands I felt so absurd.

I tried putting a joke on what I felt;

But he took it so seriously, silent treatment was my penalty.

I thought he wanted to keep in touch,

But he showed me I was too much.

I thought he just wanted to hear me talk,

But he reappears with a hefty storm.

I did my best to support his likes and hobbies;

Didn't mind spending my own money.

I guess I was never enough;

For someone who only sees me as a bluff.

It was the day I first met this new demon,

I learned to listen to all his sermons.

Everyday was like a battlefield inside of me;

I asked God, "Please come and save me."

But the saving was not that easy;

It brought more pain after facing it.

The world showed me that it was breaking;

I stood firm, smiling like I was ready.

Everyday I fought hard to win every battle;

Everyday it shakes me and gave me a rattle.

I thought I was slaying my own demon,

But I realized, I was facing his untamed demon.

                                                           -Laezee

The Three Beings Inside of Me

 

The Three Beings Inside of Me: 
The Heart, The Mind, and The Soul

CHAPTER 1: The Mind Is Too Strong

                    

                    The Heart was rushing to catch up with the Mind and shouted, "Can you please not be so harsh? And give me more freedom to choose who should I trust?" The Mind looked back and saw it was the Heart who was shouting. Mind stopped, faced Heart and said, "Are you out of yourself again? Have you forgotten who saved you when you drowned us with your blood?" Heart took a deep breath. "It was you, Mind. But, you are not letting me do my job. You're taking over almost everything that I was made to do." Heart, replied. Undaunted, Mind confronted Heart, "Have you forgotten how many times you cut yourself and bleed for people who are not even willing to bleed even a single drop for you? I let you do it over and over again before, but over time your blood was starting to drown me and making it harder to catch up with life. You bled to much to bleed again." 

                The Soul was wandering around and noticed the two having a serious conversation. Soul was standing silently behind them and trying to catch up with what they are talking about. Suddenly, Heart was trying to pierce herself in front of Mind. "And now you want to be rebellious again?" Mind fiercely asked Heart. 

                Heart mustered the courage and frankly told Mind, "I always doubt the sincerity of every act without minding if it was just out of kindness. My vision is always full that it will only hurt me if I choose to let them enter my realm. I am starting not to care how others would feel if you're the one in-charge of me. It feels like I'm starting to live as if I was not meant to be shared." Then Mind added, "Give me one reason to say yes to your demands." The Heart was tongue tied and doesn't know what answer to give Mind enough to loosen up. Silence covered them and Soul interrupted. "What if there is one brave soul who is willing to bleed more for you than you have bled for others?" The Mind was surprised with the question. And the Heart started crying.

                                                                                                            -Laezee

How Great It Is

 

How Great It Is

Stars always sparkle at night;
The sun continues to shine each sunrise.
You can never be the same;
You always grow each day.

Thoughts can be very burdensome;

It even makes us so dumb.

But everything is just inside our head;

Why not battle it with ideas that are great?

Great as the true love can be;

Finding its way from you to me.

Love is indeed the strongest energy;

You must also be strong to accept it.

How great the world it will be;

If our mind is full of love so dearly.

How great people will become;

If we remove pain that makes us numb.

                                        -Laezee

 

She Wonders

    Staring at her window, she was excited to write about how true love transcends everything. Like the flowers giving life to her worktable and filled with vibrancy; like the sun shining despite the thick gray clouds surrounding it. Keenly, she opened her notes and held her pen, but as soon as she was about to start writing and expressing her notion, she had nothing in mind but painful stories that were buried deeply in her thoughts. She told herself, "I have no more resentments nor agonies on hold." And suddenly, silence covered her ears. She remarked, "I don't know where to start. I really don't know how it starts." Puzzled, she closed her notes, put down her pen and wondered. "How do true love blossoms?", she said.

-Laezee

 

His Ego

He wants the best;

I was loved just to boost his confidence.

He chases phony status,

Was it ordered by his hypothalamus?

Enchanting every woman who looks at him,

How did it validate that he was existing?

I bet everything feels good with his liver and kidney.

My God help me! It's getting under my skin.

Cared, charmed and loved me so so well in public,

But why he can't do it when no one is watching?

Waiting for every endearing words to say,

But his careless words started drilling my heart to ache.

He remembers every word I say,

Pretending he never spoken that dug up my grave. 

My mind became twisted with the facts I knew;

How amazing, I didn't know what was true.

My innocent heart always chooses to love;

I don't know, but maybe he got drowned.

It felt everything that I gave was not enough.

They say, you are more than enough if it's true love.

He talks about love as if he mastered it;

Sharing godly verses that describes it.

But he never genuinely acted as one;

How funny, what a hypocrite he was.

He streams like a pro gamer;

Invited me to play and became my trainer.

Luckily, I ranked first with having most kills;

Childish it seems, he started playing without inviting me.

He speaks and acts as if he knows it all;

Sharing his knowledge he didn't know I knew.

I play dumb because I support his all,

But over time, he belittles me as so small.

How pathetic it was to believe he was mine;

Thinking I was his favorite like a fine wine.

Waiting to be seen again from how it started;

Waiting for his recklessness to be sweet again.

From the start I was only longing to be found,

By a soul who can cognize and discern mine.

With my high hopes and dreams to experience soul recognition;

I was found by his ego pretending to be my exception.

                                                                -Laezee

Author's note: 

    Memories flash back to the person who loved so well with small things that reminds them of him/her. Not the happy memories that would make them long for, but the memories that were meant to be told and forgotten; how terrifying their love became, how frightful it was and the learning it has. In a world full of broken people, their purest love became so rare, scarcity it is. May these genuine people find the soul who deserves them and be loved the same way that their soul can rest.

 

Only One Me

Sparkling eyes;

My brightest smiles.

All were seen by you;

All were the reason was you.

My untiring care;

I've always been there.

Because I loved you;

But where was you?

I found myself;

I am out of your shelf.

You realized my worth;

Yes, I am dearth.

Now, you're in search;

Dreading to purge.

You're starting to find me;

Oh! I forgot, I am only one me.

                                        -Laezee

 

Where to Begin

Where do I begin?
Where all I thought was magic became tragic.
Where do I begin?
Where all the excitement became panic.

I came across with a lot of men;
Came to know each one of them.
Some tried to capture my heart;
I can't deny, most of them have thrived.

I was caught off guard with some eyes;
I fell madly deeply in love, but it was a trap.
Touched by their thoughtfulness flattery care;
But yeah! They're like that with every woman they've met.

I was intoxicated by what they called love;
But at the end, I always question, "Was it love?"
Fascinated with what they tried to provide;
My God! It was only during at the start.

I met all the butterflies inside of me;

Can't forget all their flattery remarks dropped for me.

They sang me a song which became my favorite music to hear;

Thank God! They never finished singing it all for me.

Some even tried to dance just to make me laugh;

Saying my laughter was the best part.

They didn't know my happiness is not hard to find;

But I thank them for the effort, here's my high five!

I received roses that reflected their feelings;

I forgot to tell, I buy myself flowers every week.

But I always leave the best things for them to discover;

Sadly, they never found what I wanted to be discovered.

I can still remember the feeling like it was meant to be;
Forgetting all his flaws and loved him every inch.
But what was meant to be was not always as it is;
It became meant to be because I let myself believed it was it.

I was lied to, betrayed, left alone and shattered finely inside;
I started thinking what true love really feels like.
I asked myself what am I truly looking in a man;
"I am searching beyond infinity, a love so unconditionally."

But, I still don't know how and when to be sure;
That what I found was the one I've been praying, and is pure.
I still don't know that old feeling they keep telling me;
But maybe, if he's truly the one, he'll lead me where to begin.

                                                                        -Laezee

Who Are You

 Who Are You

My heart is not closing;
It is still open and waiting;
Not just for a tingling feeling;
But a tingling that is sparkling.

My soul keeps asking for a spark;
That only a soulful act can start.
Earthly things are becoming shady and dull;
It needs something beyond our sense of touch.

My mind as well is thinking:
"Where is the other half of my being?"
I hope he is not lost wandering;
But I still believe that he is up for something.

Something I've been waiting to have;
Something I am truly meant to have,
From someone who has been praying for me to have.
Oh Love of my life, who art thou?

                                               -Laezee

Wither or Grow

 

Wither or Grow

Pain is inevitable;

Pain is unforgettable.

We cannot hide from it;

We cannot run from it.

Pain runs through our veins,

It kills everything that felt like haven.

Pain colors everything with black and blues,

It makes anyone felt like they have no use.

But one should muster oneself and choose:

"Will you use it for you to grow?

Or let it make you wither as a whole?"

So, you choose.

                                                        -Laezee

No One Is Ever Busy

 

No One Is Ever Busy

Thereafter's Special Chapter

Time is of the essence, it is something you cannot take back once it is given. Giving time is also giving out of energy for something and/or for someone. And time is very important in any relationship this world can have.

But why some people can't give an ample time to the people they love? Was there truly love? Or they just love the idea of having someone who can accompany them when time gets rough? Selfish right?

I've always been a type of person who would rather choose more meaningful moments with the people I love and care about rather than running around in a constant state of mindless busyness. Wherein, I always believe that, "A busy life is not the same as a meaningful one." I always prefer choosing meaningful priorities in life.

How a person spends most of his/her time in a day truly speaks more about what type a person he/she is. I've seen a lot of people who would do anything just to keep themselves being excessively caught up with their lives and forget how to live a life, because I do too became one, which I am practicing to unlearn it. Over time, I always remind myself not to forget the time I need to give to the people I love. 

This time, I always had this thought in mind of how some people in a relationship can keep up with their day without hearing anything from their partners? How can you end up your day without hearing something from the person you love? Is it normal? Of course, NOT.

Some would say it is about knowing what priority number you are. But how can a person not include the person they chose to love in their top priority list? And this time, I came to learn about emotional unavailable men.

Dating emotional unavailable men are some of the worst experiences I had. Constantly prodding to open up but shuts down whenever you want to find out what's happening inside his head. And you will be left facing and dealing the discomfort alone.

Living a day with always having a guess if should I say this or not, is it worth sharing or does he mind knowing this small details I have, has been a day to day unnecessary thoughts running inside my head. Waiting for him to message me first and/or reply to my unread messages. But at the end, I am always left telling myself maybe he's just too busy and exhausted for the day, because I only get his deafening silence not only for a day but for a week. And whenever I get a reply, I only read his words of excessive tiredness that he just wanted to sleep. Unconditionally, I chose to understand it.

And this became an everyday battle inside of me, the battle I know that isn't worth fighting for. You will start to think of your own worth, the whys and what ifs won't stop popping up like popcorns that were heated in a pan. I can't deny the emotional distress it had brought along with.

"Can he not give me time, even for few minutes in a day just to hear him or me?" Has been my everyday concern knowing we're in a long distance relationship that we didn't choose. It is natural to have eagerness to know if he is doing well, how was his day or just to talk about anything just to help each other unload the unnecessary burdens deep within; be the source of comfort and rest for each other.  Despite the circumstances, there's still means of communication that didn't bar us from making each other part of our days thanks to chat apps. However, he didn't do anything for me to be part of his day. Perhaps, I am in his least priority, my existence isn't comforting for him,  maybe, he only needs me for his ego boosting.

You see, knowing what to look for sometimes saves you so much time in waiting before everything will be unfolded on its own time. I hated to be a stalker but I became one just to ease the mind that seeks answers of my whys. And knowing that everything was intentional and not because of the uncontrolled circumstances of the relationship status we're in was too much to consume for the mind to believe the reality I was in. I was lied and betrayed again.

The moment I started seeing myself doing again the things I never wanted to do in the first place. little did I know, I broke myself again with the the thoughts I thought it was. 

Thereafter Chapter II: I Thought It Was will tell everything what the mind wants to end.

-Laezee

The Library

 

The Library

(A Short Story_Valentine Special)

"People do come and go, like in a library where people come to loan a book. Some may return and seldom come back, some never came back, but it's too rare to see someone staying longer just to read every book that a shelf can have."

It was past sunset when she started to enter her library and ready to put another book in a shelf that was already half-filled. She was looking around as the hall was too quiet yet felt empty despite the books around. She's at peace but something is missing.

After putting back the last book in it's original shelf, she heard a soft sound of giggles not too far from were she was standing. Frightened a bit, anxiety started to creep in. But the mysterious noise continue, the sound of giggles became happiness to her ears; her anxiety was replaced with curiosity.

Walking silently across every shelf, she finally found where the giggles came from. A person was sitting on the floor in between the shelves that no one had dared to check. She peeps over the old books and saw that he was reading the book she forgotten existed, too long to be remembered that she had it in the first place. The book she thought already buried and out of mind.

Minutes have gone so fast and he was still reading every page the book has. She was too curious on what were written in there as he was enjoying himself in every page he's in. With her unguarded clumsiness, he noticed that someone was there, observing him. He closed the book and said, "Sorry to frightened you, but you can come out."

She slowly walked out from where she was hiding and replied, "Sorry to disturb you as well. But you see, the library is almost closed. Why are you still here?"

"I was enjoying reading this book. Sorry for creating a scene for awhile." He answered.

Out of intrigue, she added, "I thought nobody was checking this side of the library. I even forgotten that book you are holding is existing. Thank you for showing interest to it."

He looked straight into her eyes and smile. Then said, "I see, you never recognized me, but I am always here inside the library, reading every book that my curiosity calls me. But that's okay. I always see you giving too much attention to every person who would come by and loan a book. I know you were too busy attending to their needs first."

She smirked and replied, "They were too enthusiastic at first and hyper whenever they try to loan a book. I thought it was amazing, but over time, after returning the book they've borrowed and never showed interest again in another book, it felt weird, odd and draining. But that's how it is, people would only choose to read what excites them and if there's nothing left, they leave."

He interrupted, "Maybe you were just too focused on the people who are doing their best just to catch your attention for you to lend them your book. And you started to forget that there are some, too few, who enjoys reading here and comes back to have another book."

Have nothing left to say, she immediately asked for him to leave because the library is closing for tonight. But he added, "I only see you from afar, observing every smile you put on your face with every person who showed interest in borrowing your book. I even see you sitting empty on your table with have nothing to work on. I know it took me for awhile to have this time, but you see, every page of your book is worthy of every second I have."

"I never borrowed any of your book, because it feels more lively to read every single page here, with the author with me even you didn't notice me." He added.

Tongue tied and confused, she had no reply.

He lend out his hand and asked, "Wanna see my library this time?"

Anxious and full of doubts, she didn't respond.

He looked at her, smile, walked closely and slowly grabbed her hands. "I'll be with you as I tour you around. Please, be at ease with me all the time."

~

Life is like a library. The experiences we had became the stories to tell written in every book we try to share. Some may have long forgotten but it's still there, and some were too trendy for most of the people to be hyped about and read it when it's up to tell. But lucky are those who finds someone who never gets tired reading every page of every book you have to share. May you find each other in this lifetime.

~The End~

                                                                                                                -Laezee

Have Not Yet

 

Have Not Yet

The morning came, and I started to get up;

It was his blurred face that first popped up.

My eyes were trying to visualize him;

Oh! I forgot, I still haven't met him.

Days, weeks and months have gone so fast;

I am always at peace but I know I was made for someone.

I let doubts and fears run freely inside of me;

For sure, if he's the one, he won't let me feel any of it.

I really don't know what my soulmate would look like,

But definitely, it's my soul's other half in a body different from mine.

We may be physically separated at this very time,

Surely, I can extend my wait 'til I'll have him in my life.

-Laezee

Universe Inside

 

Universe Inside

I was looking up above,

Enjoying my coffee and trying to feel the warmth.

Having random thoughts and questions inside.

Why do people who told you they loved you,

    -chose to lose you, in the last part?

Why people do everything just to get you?

And eventually do anything to lose you?

These were the questions I couldn't find the answers,

Because I never thought I would seek those answers.

I tried to rationalize everything that has happened,

Burnt out myself just to forget every pain I didn't deserve.

But forgetting was not the right solution,

It only made me bleed more with every action.

Putting up walls as high as I could,

Raising standards so they'll have second thoughts with you.

Focusing more with the career goal I decided to choose;

These were the solutions I felt as a cure.

But each day as I tried to fathom these thoughts,

I can't deny that I was born with love.

The kind of love that was longing to give it to someone.

Sadly, the people were too crooked for it to have.

For now, I could only write what I wanted to say,

Because I haven't met someone yet who is willing to ache;

Who's willing to fight when you're too tired to trust.

And, I hope in this lifetime, you'll find someone

    -who deserves the universe you hide inside.

-Laezee

Start Over

 

Start Over

Everything has its own beginning;

The kind of beginning that everyone is wanting.

But what if you don't know where you're heading?

Will your life be always at the beginning?

Some things were meant to end.

To give yourself a time to mend.

It's exhausting to think to begin again;

To share a part of yourself again.

But you will not know how far you'll go;

If you won't stand up each time you fall.

It may be skeptical to immediately recover;

Remember, nothing will change if you won't start over.

-Laezee