DISCLAIMER: The author has no derogatory intentions. All were personal experiences. A Personal journey of Growth, Healing, Moving on and receiving True Love.
-Laezee
CHAPTER 3: I Found ME
A lot of things may happen within a year, more so in a day, that could give you profound feeling of happiness, confusion and fears. And that's what happened to me. Who would have thought, in a blink of an eye, the magnificent insanity I felt became emotional pain having great and deep waves of perplexity. I know, it is not only me who happened to experience this, it may not be the same circumstances as mine, but the impact sure did inflict us with great damage, pain they called it. And I hope you already made peace with your past as I did, which I'll recapitulate and reflect on in this chapter.
I chose this date to publish this, because on this same date, a year ago, was the start of my untold growth. Along the way, it led me to my greatest decision in life; to end the cycle and apply the lessons I was being taught over and over again.
WARNING: This might be longer than my previous chapters because this will be the last of it. Some parts may be egregious; a bit irritating if you've been hit. Don't say I didn't warn you. Continue at your own risk.
Resentments, shame and guilt have filled me up over time. I failed to recognize this and I chose to live with it. Yes, that was me before I was awaken; living in mediocrity. No one knows what exactly I've been through, from family, to friends, to lovers and to all aspects of my life. I chose not to speak and face it especially with myself, not until I started this "Thereafter". From then, I begun to be real with my thoughts and feelings; I started to uncover.
Choosing to ignore the hypocrisy I've witnessed and experienced, I thought it was the solution. Little did I know, it only made everything worst.
My family is not different from common families. It is not perfect, but at least it is real. I cannot put everything in detail because I really don't know where to begin my talk about them but I am no foreign to any family problems. As I walk the road of my own growth, one thing that I realized is that your mother and your father is the type of persons you need to find or you need to avoid in your lifetime. Truly, we cannot choose who will be our parents, but we know them very well as time passes by. From there, we can correctly choose the persons whom we will share our precious life with. And choose what type of person who we really want to be.
If you were born from a family you wished you haven't, still, be grateful, because without them, you were not born as YOU. If wishing that you have different parents to begin with, will it save you? Let me ask you, will you be born as same person and name as who you are today? Have you thought about that? If you didn't care, for sure you don't have any hobbies nor likeable stuffs that surrounds you for you to be grateful for breathing. Thus, I always say to myself, think again.
About how the society dictates about me? Who cares? Proving them wrong is not my responsibility. As long as I know that I am doing right, and living properly and accordingly, making them see my worth and different from my roots is no longer my concern. People who can't quench their own thirst will never have satisfaction nor will believe you. Let the world vindicate you when the right time comes.
And as I ponder on this, I may not know what my ancestors have committed long before I was born, for me to experience some unthinkable life circumstances that had been passed down to me. Back then, I would curse and chose to feel miserably quiet inside but I realized it didn't help me, and it only made me my own foe. And there I was, I was born not to commit the same mistakes that my ancestors or my parents have done which I do not know. Big and small, I was born to break it all.
The journey of growing and finding oneself is not a walk in the park. Carrying heavy baggage of those memories that were both sorrowful and fun; losing and getting off track is a common thing. And that is the best part I discovered with life -- finding oneself after losing yourself is beyond any joyful word can describe.
I cannot deny, my immature acts long before I was able to discern it were reflections of the shame that some people put on me. Wherein, those days I would chose ill-motivated revenge of doing the same to people who never caused me pain. As I look back, what a hypocrisy it was; living a happy life while giving hate to those people I didn't like. And there was karma, thru hidden resentments I was punished thru time; peace was nowhere to be found.
After my narcissistic partner, I started freeing all the bitterness that resides in me. Found books that hold parts of me. I was able to forgive them, most especially I forgave me. After doing those things, I thought what was next was my 'the one', but it hold another lesson for me to be reminded that there was one I was not able to settled with, and it still haunts me unknowingly.
I don't want to talk about him longer than any of my previous lovers, but truly this part reminds me how important to make peace with our own past so it won't screw up the present. Believe me, if you make it, what a relief.
This person is the older brother of my previous elementary classmate, and I only know about him was his name. I never got involved with him nor will I because I really don't know him. Not until my bestfriend randomly came across with him and she started bragging his existence to me as if she guarantees that I will like him instantly. She suddenly persuaded me to start a conversation with him through chat which I also did. I really don't know why she was so pushy that time, but it is really hard to say no to your bestfriend knowing what she asks is not that hard.
I started chatting him as if I was interested of knowing him, showing the cheerful side of me that is eager to know something. But, he seldom reply, most of it were too short if he could, and majority of it was after many many days. I have no idea what was going on with his life, but I started to hate what he was doing knowing I was only forced to talk to him.
My bestfriend would always ask me how it was going, making me felt obliged to maintain a connection with him. But deep within I started to hate him, seeing him a very self-important person, full of himself, that's what I could feel. Over time I got pissed off with his treatment despite my friendliness towards him.
I can no longer remember how many months I got annoyed by his doing because I was too busy minding the greatest task I was made for the city, attending seminars and trainings that relates to it, and my law school life that is so jealous over many things. However, this could have been settled so fast if he was honest enough to tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me. I know he has his own reasons, and my reaction is my own responsibility to take, but I chose to be harsh.
How funny the world put a joke on me, his mother was employed in the legislative branch to where same building I was working. Of course I recognized their mother, because our previous school was a very parent-friendly place, sarcastically. From then, it was more awkward to maintain a connection with him, because I always see her mother, and even exchanged smiles whenever I was in their division.
I stopped initiating a conversation with him. But, how funny it was, he replied when I have no energy to fake that I am really annoyed by him. The last conversation I couldn't forget, he said sorry for replying late because he got sick. As a usual reply to someone who is sick, I told him to get some rest and take his medicines. I don't know what was the impact on him when I showed how concern I was, his reply became so cold, impliedly telling me that he doesn't need any of my concerns. Then and there, I decided it quits.
My bestfriend continued to ask me, and when she does, I just told her that he rarely replies and I don't want to bother him. I am too, busy with my own life.
Usual life came back to me, I was scheduled to attend Sinulog in Cebu and enjoy the festival. I don't know why but I included him to be one of the persons I wanted to give a rosary bracelet from Simala, even if I didn't know how to give it to him. I assured to myself that it is not from any sort of intimate feelings towards him considering I still haven't met him, it's just that, a thought crossed my mind that maybe, he was too exhausted and lost with his own life, the reason why he was so bitter and cold that time. And that maybe, a shed of faith through thoughtfulness he would gather himself and be fine.
But anxiety creeps in, I didn't want to be misunderstood, and remembered his cold replies after showing my humility. I recalled how pissed off I was with him. And for me not to be reminded again, I immediately unfriended him, without any parting words that could have been enough to close it. I told my bestfriend of what I did, and she supported me. The bracelet I was planning to give to him, I started using it as mine. If you know me, I never wore a bracelet the longest, except this.
After a year, I came back to my senses. It was after I stopped working with the legislative branch and after I first fell in love. I decided that I want to say sorry and make peace with what I did, thinking that the world is too small and his younger brother is a good friend to me. But when I searched him, I saw he just started his new relationship. And I said to myself that I no longer need to say my sorry because he is already happy, thus, I also need to forget and be happy.
Yes, I chose to resign with my work in the legislative branch. Not only because I was dog-tired balancing my law school and heavy workloads, but also, I was haunted with what I did whenever me and his mother would meet on the hallway. Certainly, I was too guilty for being mean to him. The reason why I planned of reaching out to make peace with my harsh acts, but I never did.
More than a year has passed, I somewhat forget the happening. But the world never forgets, the haunting never ends. Weird as it seems, our paths have crossed in a certain place for me to be reminded again. It was my best friend's birthday, and I offered her my service as a gift. I accompanied her in paying their water bill after eating. Unguarded, she saw him but I was not able to look him longer because I was still on the steering wheel. My best friend was so excited to get out of the car hoping she would catch him. We even stayed at the entrance because she insisted that it's time for us to officially meet. But I couldn't hide my unhappy feeling, I told her we're not friends and there's no need for me to meet him. Thankfully, he already rode a tricycle.
I have so many brainless decisions just to get past with my own guilt, I really don't know why, but it haunts me over time. I guess my conscience was too clear that what I did was never the real me. I even changed my hair color after that incident, keeping in mind that he must not recognize me during my public engagements if he happens to pass by. Puerile it seems, that's how I ran away from my guilt.
Two years have passed, and it never crossed my mind. My law school life was draining me. Insanely exhausted each day I wake up. Worst, my love affairs buried me as if I am an immortal being. And Covid came, waiving like a forest fire.
After knowing I was betrayed again by someone I thought I'm going to live my life with, it was my last unsettled guilt that I was called to remind. Yes, I was called by my self to officially settle it within. I mustered the courage to message him directly. I kept it short and very direct, having no care if someone valuable to him would read it. I know my conscience was clear, but I jokingly told my bffs that I want to date him. Truth be told, it was a common statement from someone who just lost her pride and worth.
Having no expectations to receive a reply, all I want was to settle my thoughts and guilt inside. But I guess it was time to clear things up, we were given a chance to talk it all out and reconcile.
I am not going to talk more in detail on what happened in between, because it is something I must not hope and long for nor to begin with. This was a continuation of what should have been settled years ago but got twisted and was put on hold. Apparently, some things are better left unsaid and better not to put in writing. But I am glad we have reconciled and I have found a friend in him. More importantly, I am no longer pissed off if someone will not reply to me. I let it as it is; people make time for who they want to make time for.
Undeniably, that time was my worst of all the worst stage of my life; being in a constant state of indecision and confusion. Losing myself during my 2021 bar review days, having uncontrollable breakdowns from knowing that my ex was unfaithful to me while I was dreading. My health also suddenly deteriorated and infected me with Covid which disqualified me to take the bar exams. I was always experiencing asthma exacerbation, but seemingly unnoticed because I was too focused that I need to pass the bar. Unconsciously, I was actually digging again my own grave that time.
I can no longer put into words how excruciating, mentally agonizing it was, but the depths of my misery was immeasurable. It almost killed me: mentally, spiritually and physically. But here I am, writing this, and still even grateful after experiencing it. And I am deeply grateful to the people who helped me, and that includes him, even though only virtually. Above all, I thank God for guiding me.
But now, we are both back with our own lives, already stopped communicating and settled with our past acts. Truly, we are not obliged to maintain a continuous connection nor bound to remain connected. I can't deny that it all happened with a virtual communication and not in person. I may be too open to him that time, even showed some of my vulnerabilities and craziness I tried to hide. But, truth be told, the genuineness of an act can all be seen through eyes. I was given the benefit of the doubt. Undoubtedly, he's still half a stranger to me; I still barely know him.
Nonetheless, I am still his friend. He can still ask my help if he needs me. More importantly, wherever he may be, including all the people who supported me through my toughest time, I hope all of them are genuinely happy. I could still be in gloom until now if not with all of you. You helped me recover so fast as if it never happened in the past. I became stronger and firmer thanks to all your support and presence that time.
All told, I am in great relief these days. Time really heals almost everything especially if you pair it with strong faith and consciousness. I fell in love with books published long before I was born, amused that great teachings were just there waiting to be found; explaining more about the lessons that the Bible tries to tell us. I found pieces of me and fell in love more with my own life.
As I am on the road in continuing the battle I didn't finish, I am more excited with what uncertainties it holds me. I might get nervous each time I will be tested, be that as it may, I know I can face it all with my high hopes and strong faith. Whether it will be good or bad, I'll enjoy the beauty of my true becoming.
Indeed, a breakthrough it was! I found joy in the depths of my despair; I found miracle in my suffering and; I found peace in the midst of panic. Life has given me more than I could ever imagine, both good and bad. But whenever it is the latter, I found myself in very after battle. Through my soul, I was led to the right way.
Finally, I am about to end and close this open story of Thereafter. I vowed to keep my next precious moments intact and for only me to treasure. But that doesn't mean I'll stop writing, I will continue my poetry until my life will end it.
For the love of my life who I am still hoping and dreaming about. Thereafter was actually written for me, to help me recognize you when the right time comes for us to finally meet. Through time I easily get attracted to men with whom I saw my weaknesses as their strength, I thought I needed them to complete me. My innocent love was dragged to somewhat I felt new but it was actually destructive. Through it all, I learned working on my weaknesses and fears so for you to have me whole.
Don't say I am in a hurry, I already told myself that I can wait even up to my next life if that's the only thing. It is better to wait than to waste again my time on fake love. Take your time in finding yourself first but don't make me wait too long if you're still lost wandering. Because sometimes, I get too excited of having thoughts about someone who won't mind getting burned with my flaming love and passion. And someone who I can break generational curses with. God willing, with whom I can start a family with.
For now, don't worry. I am good by myself because I have books that can fill in your spot for each day. I am also enjoying every single moment of my life especially in taking my steps in reaching my goals that I have to chase. Hopefully, sooner or later, I can share it all with you. By that time, I will immortalize you, me and our love with the greatest poems I could ever write. And I pray, when that time comes, I will be able to recognize you and you would recognize me too.
I already found ME, and you are the next one I needed to be found. Love of my life, you can come to me anytime.
AND, to everyone who is going through unimaginable life circumstances that is opposite to what you wanted your life to be, just feel all the emotions within, BUT never be the emotion you're in. Being in a bad situation will never be a valid excuse to be bad to others, especially to yourself. Being quiet about it will also lead to compressed anxiety that will lead you to confusion and getting lost over time. Be honest with yourself and be real, your truest people will never leave you. And always remind yourself, WE WERE GIVEN LIFE TO EXPERIENCE IT, AND NOT TO BE DEEPLY SUBMERGED WITH ALL ITS HAPPENINGS.
MAY YOU FIND PEACE WITHIN YOU, JUST AS I DID. Thank you!🤍
~To be continue in the real life but Thereafter is ending now. Thank you so much for letting me share my pain and reading the glimpse of my growth and despair. I really have more to talk, perhaps I'll touch some of those with my short stories and other write-ups. Thank you so much for sharing your precious time with me. And I hope you learn something. Stay happy!
-Laezee
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