DISCLAIMER: The author has no derogatory intentions. All were personal experiences. A Personal journey of Growth, Healing, Moving on.
“I had it all within me and written only for me. And now, I decided to set it free.” -Laezee
Author's note: I decided to write this as a part of forgiving my old self and for all the people who had suffered emotional and psychological manipulation. We all know that it had inflicted us permanent damage, but forgiving ourselves and having the right love, like the sun, our life will always be shining no matter what. It will never make us any less of a person and less worthy of love. "YOU DESERVE EVERY BEST THING YOU EVER WANTED. So, CHOOSE YOURSELF EVERYDAY."
CHAPTER 1: I Knew
I know it was real but also full of lies; loving more than I was actually loved in return. Before, all I had was unhealthy and toxic. It was manipulating; it was brutal. I know I was in love but it was not true love. I didn't really understand it all before.
Flattery remarks were heavily poured unto me by them; pretty face, charming smiles, fair skin, dresses well, coming from a well-off family, well-mannered and having a high degree. They wanted it all from me and not for who I am as a being. It was purely pleasurable contemplation but filled with wheedling.
First.
It was two years full of lies. I was made to believed and eventually felt cheated with the secrets kept hidden for a long time, but I chose to understand, and made myself to believed that it was love. My doubts started to set in, having second thoughts in every words of love I received.
He was supportive and gave me so much attention I was asking, but I couldn't stop from doubting
Not until, I was left for days being unheard, always choosing his own ways, and kept me like a secret making me feel unworthy to be known.
I know it needs to end. I was starting to be intoxicated with the false love he had given.
Second.
It was three months full of butterflies and fun. He had a face and charms like a korean star. Undoubtedly, I was bewitched by his looks and cute smiles, but not until reality kicks in; he said I deserve someone better than him. It was my first to understand what was casually dating is. And toxicity had half-filled me.
I thought I already learned, but the worst has yet to come. Little did I know, I have more to learn.
Third.
I talked over to the moon before our paths crossed, thinking after he came that it was 'YOU.'
The moment when late night talks became too often, talking about his pasts, I thought he was too sincere and open.
I was instantaneously captivated by how he managed everything by himself, slowly I was falling for him.
Thinking it was too good to be true. He shared his plans for the future including me in the picture. However, I was given signs and warnings from the initial phase, but I was too blind to play the fool.
His grandiosity became too obvious, and ours turned out to be superficial and exploitive.
It was narcissistic, tainted with pure hate and shame cloaked in sympathy, charms and enchantments.
Putting everything about him was my first list; he was a priority.
I even killed my own passion for him not to feel inferior and less worthy of me.
Day by day all I cared was him, but he never asked me how I was feeling.
I tried sharing my pain and dilemmas in life, but all he could say, "You're not like a professional", and it felt I was too immature for him.
I never felt his joy over my achievements, neither had congratulated me nor heard if he was proud of me.
He praises me for having a great family bond, wherein he never felt for it was him and his mother from day one. It made me more eager to make him part of our family but he would always make me join his agony every time I shared whenever we have family outing.
Mockery was his thing, telling me it was only a joke, but why it always hurts me?
He loves to drop curses, which I tried to understand that it was pure anger needed to be released. But why it was on a regular basis?
Silent treatment was always my monthsary gift, being blocked exactly before we could celebrate our beginning. And many times every after I had mood swings. Am I worth disregarding?
Panic attacks started to grew bigger each day that I had to deal it within me, shaking even more during recitations and staring at a blank space that had left me empty.
Endearments were his favorite thing. Charming me with sweet stares and flowery words after threatening to leave.
He was too sweet and understanding every after a fight, but every month it turned out to be gaslighting. Do we always have to fight for me to be treated right?
Everything felt somewhat okay, he sent me gifts all at once. Asking my bestfriend to help him out. But why would he say afterwards, "I never expensed so much for a girl." Do I need to pay it? I thought it was a surprise.
Three months after, I started digging my own grave. A woman he skipped from sharing, turned out to claim that the father of her son was him. Why did he skip her?
Hands trembling, heart was pounding hard, breathing became so difficult and I was drowning.
I was in between my preparations for my quiz that night, my smallest trust left for a man was shattered to the finest dust. I blacked out.
The only thing that came to my mind, "Why conceal such thing when I already asked everything at the moment I was ready to understand and accept him every bit?" Does it felt less worthy to be loved? I thought he was opened and sincere from the very start.
But my overflowing love and understanding came in, I tried to understand the concealment and supported him with every last drop of energy I tried to pull out each day, not for myself but for him.
He said he'd always choose me despite of everything. But why choosing me includes breaking me?
Days turned to weeks and then to months. It felt like all my empathy and my being was starting to become dust.
He would always say he loves me, but why I was breaking whenever he said it?
The silent treatment, mockery and gaslighting continued and became intense.
Being called as someone having a personality disorder was the worst of all the worst that was dropped, like a nuclear bomb that killed every living cell I have.
Flirty facial gestures with other females he cannot deny. Why get angry if I felt uncomfortable with it? Was it wrong to felt it?
Do I really need to be hurting every time he is mad?
Why is it necessary for me to beg and be belittled for him to be happy again?
Ignoring and not minding every single bit of it and replacing it with understanding that pressure and fears he all had in. Is my understanding still not enough? Why kill my inner being?
Every fight we had, every mock I had, I had written in my emotional support notebook colored red with a quick side note that love is patient and understanding, I need to bear.
I never knew how emotionally battered I was, not until when I started seeing myself as a different person having sleepless nights because of nightmares and panic attacks.
Happiness became so hard to find. My life energy shifts immediately according to his everyday life.
Expressing my innermost needs and desires became so terrifying. I always had a sense of abandonment and shame whenever I am talking. Why does it need to have deflection and defensiveness? Is my day not worthy of knowing?
Mustering the courage to get up each day, burning eyebrows for my career goal, and workloads. I thought he could filled me up but he was draining me down.
Eight months felt like years, my inner self was already drowned and ready to fall into a deep sleep.
My closest friends were ready to end ties with me if I'd choose him.
It was so hard to wake up when your frailty and gullibility was eaten by someone you loved.
All my energy were sucked up and became dependent on him.
But what needs to be ended has to end. I received a mysterious energy that gave me strength to tell him every single word I was longing to say, having no fear of backfire from his mind games he had installed in me.
It happened so fast and I told myself, "There's no turning back."
I got the sorry I always wanted to hear but it felt so empty. He promised to do everything according to my terms and plans, but there's one thing he really can't do. And that's the time I finally knew.
to be continue...
